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Come Close. I Have a Secret to Tell You

We all have secrets. Some of them are things that might embarrass us. Some of them are things that we consider essentially private, and though not embarrassing, still, even potentially hurtful to ourselves or others, and therefore, very private. Some of them can be bad things, things we are a bit ashamed of. Most are not serious in anyone’s eyes but our own. Some of them are very good things, things that we are compelled to keep secret, yet, very good, perhaps even powerful.

Everyone hearing Obama vie for the Ground Zero Mosque thought they had discovered the great secret of his religion, ‘Cat’s outa the bag, Obama’s a Muslim’. His recent appeal for recognition of ‘Religious Freedom’ for the Muslims desiring to build the Cordoba House Mosque, and then his reeling in of much of his statement a few days later, coupled with his austere, respectful and dutiful demeanor to King Abdullah in 2009, coupled with a George Stephanopoulos interview and a few other things seem to point in that direction. He may in fact be a Muslim, however: I suggest that the hype created by all of this is really just welcome cover for a deeper darker secret, the squelched secret, of course, which most logical people would come to, that the president may indeed be a vampire, he along with Nancy Legosi, alias Nancy Pelosi.
(You have to picture him, Barracula, in a long silk cape, protruding front canines saying, “Let them build the Mosque, Ah… Ahhhh… Ahhh… ” his finger pointing out menacingly…)
Don’t let the purchase of new Inversion Tables for Senate, House and White House exercise rooms fool you. Oh yeh, it’s to keep people’s backs stretched out alright. Don’t be a fool! Vampires need to hang upside down! Close your eyes, now I want you to hear Harry Reid’s voice in your head. Dosn’t it sound almost exactly like Peter Lorre’s? I’m not sure if Peter Lorre was ever a vampire, but he played a few demons in a few movies. I think the cartoons stretched him into a vampire a few times.

So what’s my secret? Well, I couldn’t tell you, or it wouldn’t be a secret. I actually have quite a number of them. A few, I let out every now and then, sort of like a jubilee for secrets. A few of them I hold close to my vest, ….or Tee-shirt. I will tell you this, though. I have learned that there are some secrets we do not even tell ourselves for, perhaps many years until, one night when we are dozing or reading, the light suddenly goes on, and our brain (I have mine and you have yours) tells us a little something about our lives or our pasts, and we just sit there (I wanted to say lay, but I wasn’t sure which wasn’t correct, lay, lie, lain…) and upon receiving this great epiphany we say, “Son of a gun! I never realized that till now!”

I’ll tell you a little secret. Here goes one. ‘Always have a secret that embodies something very good or even great about yourself. If you don’t have one, develop it, work on it. Make it a project. Don’t tell anyone. It will give you strength. If you feel it is something people should, at some point know, you can do as Mark Twain did, seal the writings with instructions for them to be opened at a later date. My son informed me that the autobiography of Samuel Clemens is currently being released. Evidently he gave instructions for them to be released 100 years after his death.

Even secret societies have derived their power from the fact that they are secret or have secrets. I think that most of those societies have probably forgotten their secrets, or lost the key, or lost the door, or realized that the secret wasn’t that great of a secret anyway. I will venture to say that people probably graduate, or migrate or laterally move from one secret society to another because of improved quality of secrets.

Lastly, I will tell you this:
One of the secrets about vampires that most people don’t know is that, when they are doing their most powerfully devious work they have to be wearing the clothing that they first went into the coffin with, which, you can imagine after a few hundred years gets awfully nasty.
That is, of course, a nasty secret.
I’ll tell you another secret. We all know what a vampire is, but if you walk backwards through the name, you learn even more. Remove the ‘V’ and you have ‘ampire’, the dictionary pronunciation for ampere, or a basic unit of electricity. Don’t be surprised, but vampires generate great amounts of electricity from their devilish deeds. Then remove the ‘A’ and you have ‘mpire’. Of course, an attempt to pronounce this gives us ‘Empire’. That is what every Vampire from Vlad Drac to the present group has tried to acquire. Generally, they have all been frustrated in this. Arguably, given their longevity they may be the same people, different names. Okay, now remove the ‘M’ and you have ‘pire’. At first glance when you see PIRE you, of course, think of the Partnership In International Research and Education, which is a scientific sort of research partnership between the U.S. and Russia for the purpose of studying volcanoes, and we all know that dormant volcanoes can provide access to the underworld, albeit temporary. However, a deeper look, again at the pronunciation brings us the word ‘pyre’. A burial pyre is where some cultures would burn or cremate a deceased individual. Just as kryptonite was a key to Superman’s weakness, so the final burning of the vampire on a pyre after the stake has been driven through his heart seems to be central to his assured demise… maybe.
Then of course, we remove the letter ‘P’ and we have ‘ire’, and it is readily evident that all vampires possess ire. They are capable of great ire. They will shake their finger at you, pull that silk cape in front of them when you have displeased them and turn into a bat, or just glower at you, sort of like grand-pa pa on the Munsters or Harry Reid trying to comprehend why any Hispanics wopuld be Republicans.
Lastly, we remove the ‘i’ and we have ‘re’. This goes back to ‘Empire’ because they all want to be king, back to Julius Caesar, who some people believe actually was a vampire and Brutus and Cassius actually may have stabbed him on the Ides of March with a wooden stake, but that’s another story. And then there is the ‘new’ secret, unknown to previous generations. If you remove the ‘R’ from the remaining ‘re’ you have ‘e’. Okay, I’ll help you; ‘Email’, ‘E-trading’, ‘E-learning’, ‘E-bloodsucking’. Yes, the new technology gives vampires, at once the notoriety and e-lectricity they briefly love, and yet the ability to hide in the shadows, which is a custom of all vampires.

Get some secrets.

Forget about your wallet.

Watch your neck.

Copyright August 22, 2010 by Juan Zapatero


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