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Time Traveler – Sunday Edition

No matter what age you are, there is one person, in the history of black and white sitcoms, whom you should know. His impact may have seemed inconsequential, but who and what he was, and more importatntly, what he did is timeless. If you don’t know who he is, take a course, buy a book, do some research. His image must be in the next time-capsule we send out into space, his words should be broadcast from a little satellite about the size of Sputnik that travels through our solar system, our galaxy, the Milky Way. His name? Eddie Haskel.
Why do you need to know this person? Because you don’t have any choice. Because, like Dr. Who, Eddie Haskel keeps appearing and vanishing and reappearing. Eddie Haskel and the Daleks. My favorite episode of “Leave It to Beaver’ – that’s the sitcom that Eddie Haskel appeared on (the only one that we know of, but there is strong suspicion that he appeared on stage as far back as the days of Sophocles), is when he goes before members of the Senate and Congress in the United States, and members of the military, and members of the Supreme Court and delivers his State of the Union Address: , ‘Hello, Mr. Cleaver, Good Evening, Mrs. Cleaver. My, you’re looking lovely. The speaker of the house and the Congress stare at him, with the dutiful; admiration of the Stepford wives. Mr., and Mrs. Cleaver, sitting somewhere between the military and the Supreme Court justices can be seen looking at him with taught expressions.
“Mrs. Cleaver, I’m going to solve the job problem, and the health care problem, and yes, yes, I am going to drill for oil. I have seen the error of my ways.” Mr. and Mrs. Cleaver, as they have done throughout history try to keep a straight face. Later, Eddie Haskel plans to run upstairs, to Blaire House, where the other side of Eddie, comes out, where he can say, “Hey, you little runt… You almost ruined it for me back there with that chatter about tort reform, and my tampering with Medicare, and criticism of the stimulus. Look, Sam, you’ll get your little write-offs. Besides, What do you think a stimulus is? It’s spending money, and I’ve got it to spend.”

News comes that Conoco-Philips and Caterpillar have withdrawn from the Climate Coalition, likely because of the specious nature of the studies and data surrounding the issue. He sees his plan to gain control over American smoke stack industries and to foist his control on the energy producing giants beginning to unravel.
Purely for consolation, he then hops into his little time-travel phone-booth looking TARDIS (possibly re-designed by inventor and right-hand-man Rahm Emanuel*) and travels back to Pennsylvania, 2008, for a diversion, a time when he was receiving the unquestioning adulation OF MILLIONS. A TIME where he vows to bankrupt the coal industry; he then travels ahead to 2012 – woops, nothing there. He then hops in his phone-booth AND SPEEDS OVER TO VEGAS where he speaks in front of a large pre-arranged group of supporters at the Chamber of Commerce. But looking out into the gallery of supporters he again sees the familiar faces of Mr. and Mrs. Cleaver.
“Citizens of Las Vegas, Mr. and Mrs. Cleaver, Las Vegas is truly a lovely city, almost as lovely as you Mrs. Cleaver. And I think that I was unfairly misunderstood. I had no intention of stating that people shouldn’t spend money in Las Vegas, in this lovely city, I only meant that they shouldn’t take hard earned college tuition to spend here. Just because the mayor’s been such a swell guy, I’m going to take 1.5 billion doillars from the tarp fund to let you use as you like. All I ask is that you re-elect my good friend Harry Reid.”

What lies in store for time-and-space-magician Eddie Haskel, we mere mortals must wait and see.

But, just remember, wherever you encounter that angelic, clean washed face throughout history, the face that presumes to power and later takes jabs with malicious sarcasm when he feels he can get away with it, at individuals who are in the capacity of a diminished state of power or at a safe distance to taunt, whether it’s the pious little face of a peanut farmer from Georgia or a smiling community organizer who both, in their own way, begin to steer the country towards economic catastrophe, you may be in the true presence of time-traveler Eddie Haskel.

*We’re a little unsure about this link. When looking up the name ‘Rahm’ in Chicago we kept yielding the result ‘Romberg’, which appears to have been a very important political figure, but upon closer look, he evidently was a rabbit, named ‘Romberg Rabbit’. Nevertheless, he was the premier to the first king of the United States, Garfield Goose. We felt that the title, first king of the United States was relevant to the current political circumstances so we have left the link in. You determine if Romberg Rabbit and Rahm Emanuel are in fact the same person.

-copyright February 2010 by Juan Zapatero


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